A renowned family life coach, Motolani Falabi has shared important tips on how to parent teenagers exhibiting traits of identity crisis. Falabi is the Chief Executive Officer of Praise Fowowe International, an integrated family life and workplace relationship and research support organization. She gave the insights on parenting teenagers in the throes of identity crisis while speaking on Channels Television recently. According to her, the challenges parents and guardians are facing because of the high cost of living and economic challenges in Nigeria, should not prevent them from listening to and having important conversations with their teenagers.
For the frontline family life consultant, many parents take it for granted that only adults have life issues to deal with. Such assumptions, she stressed fail to take into consideration the life and identity issues confronting teenagers who in such a period are trying to figure out their place in a rapidly changing world. Falabi was of the view that when parents tend to act aloof and fail to discuss the so-called difficult topics agitating the minds of their teenage children, the result is teenagers are denied the critical information and support they need to navigate their peculiar challenges.
Added to this is the risk that such children who are denied the opportunity to have conversations about life issues, may end up getting the information from the wrong sources. The family consultant warned that when parents fail to provide the space for children trying to navigate identity issues to confide in them, the outcomes could be disastrous for the family. To avoid the situation, Falabi urged families, particularly parents to pay close attention to support teenagers during those times when they are navigating such complexities.
Her words: “Especially for the ladies, when they first experience their period, they are hiding. They are wondering what’s happening to their body and why blood is coming out. And often, these are conversations parents have not even had with them.
“Thankfully, schools are now beginning to teach these issues on a theoretical level. When those happen, like tummy aches and blood everywhere, of course there is the place of shame. They will not want people to see that blood is coming out and they will ask what’s happening to them.
“Of course, the question is if the parents have these kinds of conversation with them. Often, the parents will say they want to teach their children about these things, but they don’t know how to have such conversations with them.”
Falabi faulted the popular parenting culture, which sees parents dishing out instructions for children to comply with even without prior discussions. She stressed that the world has moved on from such conservative forms of parenting especially because teenagers in this time and age do not simply go by rules or regulations handed down to them. In the eyes of the Life Coach, teenagers these days want to understand why such rules are being put in place.
“They do so, not because they are trying to be rude or disrespectful, they just want to understand why they are being asked to do certain things. If you don’t tell them anyways, they will figure it out; they will find out.
“If my child is asking me about sex and if I think she is too young, or I didn’t say anything or I just shut her up, she will go figure it out by herself. The number one thing you ought to do is to have asked her what she knows about the topic she is asking about.
“I usually will tell parents not to answer the question a child is asking when you the parent has not found out what the child knows about the topic. Often time, they know some things about that topic, and they just want to confirm from you, the parent. All you want to do is balance their perspective rather than give rules and regulations.”
Falabi subsequently urged parents to resist the urge to shut their children up when they ask questions, no matter how difficult those questions may seem. She said when parents decline to have such difficult conversations. “If a child is asking about sex for example and the parent declines to talk about it, the children will then go outside and ask someone who would tell them let’s practicalize it, let me teach you how it is done.
“That is why it is important that parents have those so-called difficult conversations. I say so because whether you have the conversation or not, your children will find out, one way or the other.”
The elite family coach also pointed out that when it comes to values like respect, honesty and doing the right things, parents themselves tend to teach the wrong set of values. She gave the example of parents who would tell their children to tell someone looking for them (parents) that they are not at home. She subsequently wondered why such parents become angry when their children tell lies, forgetting that they trained the children on how to tell lies. Her words: “Most parents expect their children to know certain things or exhibit values, which they have not taught them.”
On how to know when teenagers begin to experience identity crisis, she said: “There are quite a number of things. Often times they are trying out different things. They are trying to figure out where they fit in in the scheme of things. They are asking questions like who am I? And they are picking up certain behaviours, and their parents will be wondering how the children pick such.
“You as a parent don’t necessarily need to have taught the child the behaviour; he or she is mingling with other children in school and seeing what is happening on social media. Of course, Artificial Intelligence (AI) is available, and the child can always ask questions. In the midst of these, they are trying their hands on a lot of things, including risky behaviour. Some of such things, the parents may not be proud of.” The frontline family life consultant admonished that in such moments, when a teenager begins to show traits of identity crisis, the parent must step in and express their love. Falabi concluded by urging the parents of the children concerned to go ahead to have a conversation. She equally advised that sensitive issues such as career choices should be navigated with utmost caution and sensitivity in order not to produce rebellious teenagers.
